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Mists of Pandaria Leaks You Won’t Believe (Cause they’re LIES!)

Hello and welcome! I am, of course, the distinguished and honored Professor Gnomey, an acclaimed expert on truthism and internetology at Gnomeregan Gnuniveristy.  Professor Billy could not be here today due to some… uh… legal troubles.  Something about him forging his credentials or some such.  Anyway, I am here to discuss the fabulous and fantastical Mists of Pandaria beta.  Or namely, to address some HORRIBLE rumors being tossed around the ‘Tweetor’.  You seem, some rascally hooligans thought it would be fun to make up things about the new WoW expansion on the internet.  Thus breaking the delicate and carefully maintained balance of everything on the internet being true.  Which it has. Completely.  I trusted every word I read on there until these trouble makers decided to start flat out LYING to the whole world.  But I one upped them all. I took notes. I wrote them aaaaall down.  And now I’m gonna to expose them for the dirty little liars they all are.  These are just some of the lies I saw perpetrated under the extremely deceptive hashtag of #FakeMoPBetaLeaks!

@Vrykerion

  • In order to combat perceived Horde bias, Alliance quests will get extra love & have twice as many pop culture references.
  • The Horde wins, all players get free faction transfers, Alliance becomes a neutral faction of NPCs
  • To make Pandaria easier to traverse without flying, a gnomish train system dubbed ‘The Panda Express’ has been added.
  • A level 88 quest hints that the reason we fight Garrosh is he ate Thrall’s cookie that was clearly labeled ‘Do Not Eat’
  • Shaman receive a class quest at level 90 that after mastering all four elements will receive the “Thrall State” stance
  • In a quest to restablish Varian as a good leader, players will be his ‘wingman’ to help him ‘score’ at a Pandaren bar.
  • To correct the ‘indignity’ of some classes wearing “skirts” or “dresses”, now all class sets have skirts or dresses!
  • The Mogu are NOT related to the Mogwai.
  • Morfeeus, a new goblin NPC added to the start zone, will remind goblins that they do NOT know Kung Fu.
  • Players will face off against the elusive Warriors of Virtue in a new dungeon and learn a lesson about peer-pressure.
  • To foster camaraderie among the Alliance, King Varian will now address all NPCs and players as “bro” regardless of gender.
  • To match the Asian theme and tone of the expansion, item levels will be renamed ‘power level’
  • Complete combat system overhauled designed around card games confirmed. Spells and abilities replaced with trading cards.
  • In order to promote players to get out in the world, Warlock summoning spells will now also kill the caster and clickers
  • Female armor does not contain any chain mail or plate bikinis. All pants are ass-less though.
  • Mists will introduce a new PvE stat “NotSuck” that will boost all damage and healing in Dungeon & Raid Finder groups.
  • In memorial of Theramore, Goth Jaina builds the new Linkon Park.
  • Worgen Druids will receive exclusive out-of-combat ‘Human Form’.
  • Several Lorekeeper NPCs added to world to remind players that monks are not ninjas, and China is not the same as Japan.
  • Demonology Warlocks will be tanks.
  • New Legendary Revealed! First Shield Legendary! In order to make sure it’s rare, it will be +Agility.
  • Hidden across Pandaria are 7 magical orbs that, if gathered, will summon a dragon and grant your class a buff.
  • Pandaren start zone quests include “Wax the Car” and “Paint the Fence”
  • The origins of the Sha revealed! They are what happens when you leave Pandaren ice cream out in the sun too long.
  • Hunters can tame anything for a variable length depending on the level of their new “Training” skill, even players!
  • In a Horde specific scenario, players will face the Horde’s ancient and deadliest foe: BEES. And the Alliance will have a parallel scenario where they face their long time enemy: POOR PEOPLE.
  • Tirion Fordring confirmed as faction leader for the Pandaren.
  • The Argent Crusade will have a presence in Heroic Scholo. They don’t actually do anything, but they are standing there.
  • Along with raising and maintaining a farm, players will also have to defend their land by launching birds at felboars.
  • With Monks now in game, Paladins will be losing their tank and healing specs in favor of new abilities that make sparkles.
  • Warlocks are getting a glyph that gives them a taunt, Mages will be receiving a new healing AND tanking spec.
  • Players will receive a shocking twist at level 90 when a quest line reveals that a pandaren is just 3 gnomes in a suit.

@San_Lear

  • The expansion ends with a tearful public service announcement from Garrosh on the dangers of steroid abuse.
  • Thrall is forced by Aggra to move into the Cleft of Shadows after being caught trying to “get his Proudmoore on.”
  • “Chow Yun Fat-Free” is a BOE cooking recipe.
  • Everyone is thrown for a loop when the real villain of Pandaria is revealed to be Shepard from Mass Effect 3.
  • The “Harrison Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Item” questline doesn’t go over as well as hoped.
  • Druids are given animal forms of the rest of the classes. The Donkey Death Knight is scrapped as “too depressing.”
  • Accused of Horde bias, the band “Level 90 Elite Tauren Chieftain” renames itself “Level 100 Uber Human Dude.”
  • Battlegrounds get sponsors, such as “Alterac Valley, brought to you by McDonalds.” The winner gets a McSword or McShield.
  • Alementals abilities are datamined. Beer Goggles: +85 inflation to ego. Debuff: Waking up the next morning.
  • Players will discover the hard way that the Pandaren do, in fact, have a Kung Fu grip.
  • Tirion gives one of Arthas’ twins to a moisture farmer to raise in Tanaris.
  • Blizzard begins the “Pandaren, at least they’re not Ewoks” ad campaign.
  • The real reason the Forsaken destroyed Southshore is retconned as the cancellation of the Alliance’s “Jersey Southshore.”

@Druidis4fite

  • Hidden Continent of Pandaria was under Crusader’s Coliseum all this time.
  • Warlock taunt only works on non-boss level mobs and mages
  • Hidden continent of Panderia was inside you all along
  • Stormwind Library adds several progressive volumes about Orientalism.

Other Awesome People

  • New Race added. Trolls! no really please will someone play one of these, We’re bored of Blood elves – @DanRyyu
  • Large styled belts are now limited to one per server, players can only challenge for these belts AT WRESTLEMAINA! – @DanRyyu
  • All PvP players who refuse to fight near the objective will be permabanned after three BGs. – @CosmicLaurel
  • Tier 14 Monk Armor revealed to be a yellow tracksuit with black striping. – @WalksTweets
  • Monks surprisingly cannot use the /flirt or /hug commands and cannot enter Goldshire due to vows of chastity.  – @WalksTweets
  • Completing 1000 Pandaren cooking dailies will reward the player with a pair of legendary chopsticks – @RogueDarren
  • Arcane mages get 3rd DPS ability, makes arcane rotation 33% more difficult – @Leodartbok
  • New Death Kinght ability: Furry of Frostmourne – 3 sec cast, turns your enemies into Pandas. – @Leodartbok
  • Aggra is carrying Velen’s love child – @Atanae
  • The Aspects are re-granted their original powers after eating the magical Sensu beans from the Pandaren. – @Katana_Angel
  • Garrosh is discovered to be Thrall’s evil clone, created by the Royal Apothecary Society to destroy the horde from within. – @Katana_Angel
  • Everyone can eat and drink at the same time. If you’re a Pandaren, you can eat, drink, and brew beer at the same time. – @WoWCynwise
  • Just discovered! In MoP, BM Hunters get 2 min CD Bestial Xform – change into a twin of their active pet for 15 secs! – @BigBearButt
  • Pet Battle System only way to earn Trinkets. – @Melofedge
  • Genn Greymane gets rabies, bites and infects Jaina Proudmoore, and then sends players on a poop quest in Lordaeron. – @Druidleaves
  • Pandaran cooking profession now include a recipe for Sweetfire Chicken sponsored by Panda Express, home of the flying wok. – @KneeDough

((A huge thank you to all the awesome folks that joined in the fun on twitter.  I love to see what people come up with.  To those who aren’t already, I would highly recommend following all these amazing tweeps.  They are an amazingly fun bunch!))

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Protect Internet Piracy!

Yarrr, me maties! Today be the day that those reality-lovers out there in meat space be trying to cut down on our Cheese given right to plunder and pillage the cyber seas to our hearts content.  Truly, these government dogs have allied with the Neo-Queen’s Navy to sink our days of plenty with their evil creation!  And what else could defeat a smelly, greasy, dirty pirate quite like that foulest of the devil’s creations… SOAP!  This SOAP would threaten our free movies, our ill gotten cracked games and worst of all, my hearties, they may even go for teh PR0N!

Join me my pirate brothers and sisters! And hoist the jolly roger! Stop these scallywags who want to sail into our cyber-sea – OUR DOMAIN – and try to take our booty! (and our pirated goods!)

Okay, okay, okay.  I always said I would never get into politics on this blog. So I’ll just say this.  I am a libertarian at heart. I generally abide by the idea that if someone says ‘There should be a law’ there probably shouldn’t be. So this entire SOPA/PIPA thing?  It can go rot in the Styigan Abyss for all its worth.  It’s stupid, unnecessary and ill defined. Some of the worst possible qualities any law can have.  But, if I was going to post something about SOPA on here today. I was going to do with a joke.  Download me hearties, YO HO!

Now A Word From Our Sponsors

I am such a sellout…

Who woulda thought it figures?

So Anea (of Oh Look, An Alt!) came up with this delightful idea of putting screenshots and music lyrics together for various effects.  Soon as I saw it, I knew the shot to whip out of my dusty and never ending pile of screenshots:

It’s a nerf two patches too late. It’s ten thousand hunters when all you need is a shaman.  It’s meeting the tank of your dreams in a random and then meeting his magnificent guild… on another server.

Stormwind Tour begins tomorrow! See you then! 😀

Warcraft on Consoles?

“I chose to create a city. A city where the designer would not fear going over budget. Where the  tinkerer would not be bound by petty time frames. Where the small would not be constrained by the great big. I chose the impossible…  I chose Gnomeregan.”

– Andrew Fryspin, First High Tinkerer of Gnomeregan

Dear Blizz: Attunements

Dear Blizzard Entertainment,

I recently saw that you plan to include attunements in the upcoming Cataclysm expansion.  What an amazing decision!  I know nothing is quite set in stone yet for Cataclysm, after all you’ve just started with all the testing and such, and I know you haven’t even said how you will use attunements or how hard/easy it will be to do.  Even so, allow me to offer to you, a hugely successful corporation whom I’m sure reads my blog, some advice:

Do not dare #%$# this up! You think we’ve forgotten Burning Crusade? Do you think we chuckled a bit at that insane Black Temple attunement April’s Fool joke because we knew it was silly?! WE KNEW IT WAS POSSIBLE! After all just to get into Mount Hyjal (To play through a flashback of the most tedious annoying climax in an RTS I’ve ever played through), you would have to drag yourself and twenty-four other schmucks through not one… Not Two… But THREE entire RAID attunements.

Yes, that’s the SSC attunement, the TK attunement, and the Karazhan attunement.  Each one entailing one or more death defying feats that, depending on your group, WERE HARDER THAN PARTS OF THE RAID.  My entire guild fell apart trying to get enough people to raid, and to ensure they were attuned, just to see tier 5 before I personally had even finished KARAZHAN.  If you’re thinking with a single brain cell that you are gonna to try and pull that $%#& off again just because people are whining about things being “not epic” enough, just drink until your stupid enough to lose a prototype.

But I’m sure that it will be fine.  After all, you’re Blizzard!  The one company that has shown that they actually can learn from their past mistakes and refine them.  You did drop those crazy attunements later on because you obviously came to same rational conclusion that I stated just now.

You did use a very good attunement for the Eye of Eternity.  Granted I’ve never been inside it – but I hear it’s a neat one! I am attuned for it though, and I thought that attunement worked just great.  You needed to clear the majority of Naxxramas to get the key, and when you did get it only one person in the raid needed it.  After all, why does everyone need a key to the door.  I don’t even have a key to my neighbors door, and that doesn’t stop me from raiding his fridge.

I also see that you want to bring back attunements for heroics.  Well that’s just dandy.  I’m sure it will work out fine.  But since you – Blizzard Entertainment, creator of some of the best selling video game series and the world’s top MMO – enjoy reading my blog, I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to find that I have a few tiny little thoughts to share:

I swear to the dark powers that I sacrifice the blood of the innocent to at night, if you require this $#%&ing @!%* to need a certain rep again and then not give us a way to gain rep outside of inane and constant dungeon runs over and over I will call upon the blood rain and screaming torments of the children I have sent to bowels of place that makes hell seem like a day spa in Honolulu.

Do you know how many reputations I got to exalted in Burning Crusade? Five. Do you know what they were? Skyguard, SSO, Scryers, Netherwing and Ogrila. #@*&ing Ogrila. I still got the taste of Ogre #@$ in my mouth from all the #@$ kissing I had to do for those damn ogres.  But what do all of those reps have in common?  Let’s fire those two neurons together and crunch those numbers. Oh wait! I didn’t run any dungeons for them.

Don’t give me that Dungeon Finder nonsense, you’re talking about pulling a random group of people who’ve never met each other into a dungeon and them telling them they have to cooperate and play smart CC and l2assist like in the Burning Crusade days.  They only time I’ve seen a group do anything past pull them all to a spot and AOE them down was on bosses.  So if my rep grinds are dependent on those people?  May the darkness of Lystrog the Fiend Caller descend upon you slowly and without mercy!

Anyway, I know that you guys are busy working on making Cataclysm the best thing to date. I’ve even sworn of looking at teasers because I want that launch to be filled with the awe and wonder that I’ve come to love and respect from a Blizzard Entertainment, a company that is so amazing they made millions in a just a few hours by selling that awesome horse (By the way, Geeeeenius! And I love my horsie too.) that I’m sure is reading this very post and thinking deeply about what I a blogger writing under a pseudonym on the internet thinks of what they are working on.  You keep up the amazing work, you rascals.

Your Biggest Fan Ever,

VRYKERION

P.S. I swear if you mess this up I will come for you and end you like the dark one shall end all days into an eternal night of suffering! And I totally know where you guys are too, so don’t think I’m joking.  It’s like in Washington… right?  Am I close?  On second thought, please use the contact form to send me your address so I may come and end you like the yadda yadda, you know the drill. Thanks!

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