So it’s Noblegarden time again, and tradition dictates that I make some kind of post about a rabbit. Luckily, I’ve got a doozy of a hare-raising tale that keep you hopping. Oh I’ve hinted at it, and I’ve mentioned it, but now it’s time to actually talk about. In the heart of Forsaken territory, beneath the still waters of a small pond, lies an unimaginable terror beyond comprehension:
A GIANT BUNNY SKELETON! No, seriously. Take a look at that thing. Look at the bones! It’s a bunny. With giant pointy teeth and huge dangerous claws. I mean, this thing is probably was the most dangerous critter in the history of Azeroth and I am INCLUDING the Darkmoon Rabbit in that. I mean, Thrall’s balls, that is one big bunny. Where do you think it came from and how the hell did someone kill it?
Well, I wouldn’t be posting if I didn’t have some theories now would I? The first piece of evidence is quite possibly the location of the Devil Rabbit. Tirisfal Glades is home to, well, a number of weird things. From the ongoing fan theory that an Old God dwells beneath the surface contributing to everything from the corruption of Prince Arthas to the slow maddening descent of the current ruler, Lady Windrunner. The Old God’s ability to twist living things to their needs can easily be witnessed in the “Faceless” and the Qiraji. However, I am not one hundred percent on this idea. Simply because it seems unlikely that an Old God would choose something like a rabbit to be its minion to bring destruction amongst the living. Unless the Old God happens to be Sheogorath. Then it makes perfect sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense. Who wants cheese?
I suppose there is some merit to having a giant bunny become a tormented bringer of the end times. For one, just imagine the utter confusion it would cause. No one would come to anyone’s defense. I mean, would you send your military forces to aid a neighboring city or land because they’re claiming a giant devil rabbit is slaughtering everyone? No. You’d think they’d gone mad and stopped returning their owls. Second, is that if the bunny is some horrible nightmarish lovecraftian nightmare, people might hesitate about killing the giant adorable death machine. Even a seconds hesitation is enough to give beelzebunny a chance to devour you and your kin!
Another possibility lies in the fairy ring that lies in the western hills of Tirisfal. Perhaps the fairy ring is a link to the Emerald Dream, where nature rules supreme! Ages ago, a living terror burst forth from this ring into the unsuspecting lands of Azeroth. From deep within the dream, a simple bunny grew massive and powerful and… okay, honestly I have no idea if there’s any backing to this Emerald Dream theory. That fairy ring is weird. A giant bunny is weird. That’s about the extent of the link. But you have to admit, I’ve had further reaching theories in the past.
For all we know, this thing could be ancient. Possibly even pre-dating the titans. Unless we find out in an expansion or two that rabbits were only made of stone and blah blah blah. Unlikely. This thing could be a prehistoric bunny. Possible an ancestor to the weapon carrying death critters that dwell north of Mulgore. Which would mean that this thing would pre-date the Shattering! Or the Sundering. Whichever of those is older. Cause let’s be honest, the Sundering was more of a Shattering and the Shattering more of a Sundering really.
The other thing is how the hell did it die? I mean, did someone kill it? Did they use a spear and magic freaking helmet to do it? Did it drown in some ancient quicksand hole? Did it drown in the tiny pond because giant death bunnies can’t swim?! The possibilities are endless. Though likely it was something along the lines of the quicksand idea because its head and one arm is apparently higher than most of its body. Seems like it was trying to flee from being dragged under. I still really like the spear and magic helmet idea though.
Really, the biggest question is why no one in the Undercity is trying to come up with a way to ressurect it. While they seem to have had only success raising dead humans (even cursed humans like worgen are impossible), it’s not out of the absolute range of possibilities. After all, the Lich King had the frostwyrms. They were raised dragons. So there must be SOME way to bring back a giant bunny o’ killomatic from beyond the grave. Heck, you can do it with archaeology! So someone get the Royal Apothecary Society on the job! And while they’re at it, they can slap a saddle on that thing. I wants me a new mount! Mwa ha ha!
Just in time for Noblegarden, I present you with DEHTA’s newest ad campaign:
You would think it’d be enough for me to mock DEHTA about their shortcomings with Noblegarden last year, but I’ve had them slated for a good mocking for this item in particular for some time. I used to actually wear them around so I could claim that anything I did was ethical – including slaughtering herds of wandering rhinos for their deliciously juicy meats.
Have a Happy Noblegarden everyone!
Location: Anywhere Noblegarden is celebrated
Now I’m an open minded guy. I don’t take issue with the marriage between a human and a gnome. I voted for reforming the forsaken health care system to exclude “already dead” as a preexisting condition to refuse coverage. I even protested the unlawful removal of tauren for the excavation of Bael Modan. (I protested with dynamite!) But there are just some things I don’t want to see in a public place. Namely, a bunch of rabbits bumping uglies all over the table at the local tavern. It’s not sanitary!
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about – because honestly once you get credit for the Spring Fling achievement why bother actually looking at what it entails – when you get a pair of Spring Rabbits to meet up they get little hearts over their heads and then immediately start going at it. By going at it I mean they start hopping around as a pair and shooting little eggs out that transform into baby bunnies.
I don’t know what’s worse, that this can happen almost anywhere including the table I was planning to eat at or that this is a completely inaccurate view of how rabbits breed. Don’t get me wrong, in Azeroth a lot of strange things can happen. But I don’t care if it’s Dun Morogh, Kalimdor, or even Outland – Rabbits do NOT lay eggs. This is not even up for discussion.
But even the gross misconception of how basic biology works doesn’t bother me as much as the revelation this whole act brings to light. The bunnies lay eggs (not really ‘lay’ – they fire off eggs out of their coupling like spilling water on a mogwai) which burst into flowers and a baby bunny emerges. The odd thing is that the eggs look exactly like the colorful eggs that people spend all of Noblegarden running around and collecting, breaking open and devouring the chocolate inside. What this seems to imply is the “yolk” of the bunny egg is made of chocolate and what we are actually eating and using for currency during Noblegarden is actually rabbit embryos.
I have no doubt that you have a horrified or disgusted look on your face right now. That’s the exact same look that was on my face when I pieced this together myself. The fact that DEHTA isn’t all over Noblegarden is absolutely shocking. There’s an achievement to eat 100 chocolates – That’s 100 dead bunnies, people! I know, I know. We do it for chickens… and rocs… and dragonhawks… but these are BUNNIES! Cute and cuddly bunnies! Do you wanna kill bunnies? Okay, well yes, I did kill a lot of bunnies when I first starting leveling my skinning for the easy leather. But these are BABY bunnies. Do you wanna… oh forget it.
Noblegarden is just an all around messed up holiday in Azeroth. You’re eating bunny embryos from a method of rabbit breeding that is completely ridiculous and inaccurate. Men and women across the land are encouraged to cross-dress. You have to run through an area that is a giant dinosaur death trap to drop an egg (a baby bunny) in boiling water. All for the sake of being called ‘The Noble’. What kind of messed up version of nobility is this?
And do not get me started on why some of the baby bunny eggs have tuxes and dresses in them. I don’t even want to think about it.