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Thinking About Children’s Week 4th Dimensionally
Great Scott! It’s that time of the year again. When we all put on our ‘responsible adult’ hats and try to down young children forced to follow us in lakes of fire or shove teenagers through the Caverns of Time. That didn’t come off sounding nearly as un-creepy as I wanted. Anyway, Children’s Week – that event that brings joy to pet collectors and hair ripping fright and tedium to achievement collectors – has returned! But I am sorry achievement folk, this post is not for you. Go talk to Cynwise.
This post is for the pet collectors out there. Every year Children’s Week offers up a variety of little pets of which you can only choose 1 per orphan. How unfair! Way more unfair than having your parents die in a war so you only get one week a year to be out of a cramped little hovel in Orgrimmar or Stormwind. But ah HA! There’s a trick now you see, because unlike those poor orphans, we know the future!
One of the big features to the next expansion, Mists of Pandaria, will be the introduction of pet battles. Regardless of how you feel about them, they also bring the pet collector with alt-itits’ dream: Account wide pets! Oh yes, think of your entire collection across all characters being merged into one giant library. No more paying huge prices for both Alliance and Horde pets from the Argent Tournament, only having to get the whelps once and only once, and more relevantly only having to do Children’s Week ONE year instead of FOUR to get all the pets. Provided you’ve got at least 4 characters at or over level 70, and 2 at 80 or higher.
All you’ll need to do is run each alt through the Children’s Week quests and pick a different pet. Then when the great pet collection merge of 2012 occurs, you’ll have all your Children’s Week pets together in one big happy family.
THAT, dear Marty’s of the world, is heavy.
Mists of Pandaria Leaks You Won’t Believe (Cause they’re LIES!)
Hello and welcome! I am, of course, the distinguished and honored Professor Gnomey, an acclaimed expert on truthism and internetology at Gnomeregan Gnuniveristy. Professor Billy could not be here today due to some… uh… legal troubles. Something about him forging his credentials or some such. Anyway, I am here to discuss the fabulous and fantastical Mists of Pandaria beta. Or namely, to address some HORRIBLE rumors being tossed around the ‘Tweetor’. You seem, some rascally hooligans thought it would be fun to make up things about the new WoW expansion on the internet. Thus breaking the delicate and carefully maintained balance of everything on the internet being true. Which it has. Completely. I trusted every word I read on there until these trouble makers decided to start flat out LYING to the whole world. But I one upped them all. I took notes. I wrote them aaaaall down. And now I’m gonna to expose them for the dirty little liars they all are. These are just some of the lies I saw perpetrated under the extremely deceptive hashtag of #FakeMoPBetaLeaks!
@Vrykerion
- In order to combat perceived Horde bias, Alliance quests will get extra love & have twice as many pop culture references.
- The Horde wins, all players get free faction transfers, Alliance becomes a neutral faction of NPCs
- To make Pandaria easier to traverse without flying, a gnomish train system dubbed ‘The Panda Express’ has been added.
- A level 88 quest hints that the reason we fight Garrosh is he ate Thrall’s cookie that was clearly labeled ‘Do Not Eat’
- Shaman receive a class quest at level 90 that after mastering all four elements will receive the “Thrall State” stance
- In a quest to restablish Varian as a good leader, players will be his ‘wingman’ to help him ‘score’ at a Pandaren bar.
- To correct the ‘indignity’ of some classes wearing “skirts” or “dresses”, now all class sets have skirts or dresses!
- The Mogu are NOT related to the Mogwai.
- Morfeeus, a new goblin NPC added to the start zone, will remind goblins that they do NOT know Kung Fu.
- Players will face off against the elusive Warriors of Virtue in a new dungeon and learn a lesson about peer-pressure.
- To foster camaraderie among the Alliance, King Varian will now address all NPCs and players as “bro” regardless of gender.
- To match the Asian theme and tone of the expansion, item levels will be renamed ‘power level’
- Complete combat system overhauled designed around card games confirmed. Spells and abilities replaced with trading cards.
- In order to promote players to get out in the world, Warlock summoning spells will now also kill the caster and clickers
- Female armor does not contain any chain mail or plate bikinis. All pants are ass-less though.
- Mists will introduce a new PvE stat “NotSuck” that will boost all damage and healing in Dungeon & Raid Finder groups.
- In memorial of Theramore, Goth Jaina builds the new Linkon Park.
- Worgen Druids will receive exclusive out-of-combat ‘Human Form’.
- Several Lorekeeper NPCs added to world to remind players that monks are not ninjas, and China is not the same as Japan.
- Demonology Warlocks will be tanks.
- New Legendary Revealed! First Shield Legendary! In order to make sure it’s rare, it will be +Agility.
- Hidden across Pandaria are 7 magical orbs that, if gathered, will summon a dragon and grant your class a buff.
- Pandaren start zone quests include “Wax the Car” and “Paint the Fence”
- The origins of the Sha revealed! They are what happens when you leave Pandaren ice cream out in the sun too long.
- Hunters can tame anything for a variable length depending on the level of their new “Training” skill, even players!
- In a Horde specific scenario, players will face the Horde’s ancient and deadliest foe: BEES. And the Alliance will have a parallel scenario where they face their long time enemy: POOR PEOPLE.
- Tirion Fordring confirmed as faction leader for the Pandaren.
- The Argent Crusade will have a presence in Heroic Scholo. They don’t actually do anything, but they are standing there.
- Along with raising and maintaining a farm, players will also have to defend their land by launching birds at felboars.
- With Monks now in game, Paladins will be losing their tank and healing specs in favor of new abilities that make sparkles.
- Warlocks are getting a glyph that gives them a taunt, Mages will be receiving a new healing AND tanking spec.
- Players will receive a shocking twist at level 90 when a quest line reveals that a pandaren is just 3 gnomes in a suit.
@San_Lear
- The expansion ends with a tearful public service announcement from Garrosh on the dangers of steroid abuse.
- Thrall is forced by Aggra to move into the Cleft of Shadows after being caught trying to “get his Proudmoore on.”
- “Chow Yun Fat-Free” is a BOE cooking recipe.
- Everyone is thrown for a loop when the real villain of Pandaria is revealed to be Shepard from Mass Effect 3.
- The “Harrison Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Item” questline doesn’t go over as well as hoped.
- Druids are given animal forms of the rest of the classes. The Donkey Death Knight is scrapped as “too depressing.”
- Accused of Horde bias, the band “Level 90 Elite Tauren Chieftain” renames itself “Level 100 Uber Human Dude.”
- Battlegrounds get sponsors, such as “Alterac Valley, brought to you by McDonalds.” The winner gets a McSword or McShield.
- Alementals abilities are datamined. Beer Goggles: +85 inflation to ego. Debuff: Waking up the next morning.
- Players will discover the hard way that the Pandaren do, in fact, have a Kung Fu grip.
- Tirion gives one of Arthas’ twins to a moisture farmer to raise in Tanaris.
- Blizzard begins the “Pandaren, at least they’re not Ewoks” ad campaign.
- The real reason the Forsaken destroyed Southshore is retconned as the cancellation of the Alliance’s “Jersey Southshore.”
@Druidis4fite
- Hidden Continent of Pandaria was under Crusader’s Coliseum all this time.
- Warlock taunt only works on non-boss level mobs and mages
- Hidden continent of Panderia was inside you all along
- Stormwind Library adds several progressive volumes about Orientalism.
Other Awesome People
- New Race added. Trolls! no really please will someone play one of these, We’re bored of Blood elves – @DanRyyu
- Large styled belts are now limited to one per server, players can only challenge for these belts AT WRESTLEMAINA! – @DanRyyu
- All PvP players who refuse to fight near the objective will be permabanned after three BGs. – @CosmicLaurel
- Tier 14 Monk Armor revealed to be a yellow tracksuit with black striping. – @WalksTweets
- Monks surprisingly cannot use the /flirt or /hug commands and cannot enter Goldshire due to vows of chastity. – @WalksTweets
- Completing 1000 Pandaren cooking dailies will reward the player with a pair of legendary chopsticks – @RogueDarren
- Arcane mages get 3rd DPS ability, makes arcane rotation 33% more difficult – @Leodartbok
- New Death Kinght ability: Furry of Frostmourne – 3 sec cast, turns your enemies into Pandas. – @Leodartbok
- Aggra is carrying Velen’s love child – @Atanae
- The Aspects are re-granted their original powers after eating the magical Sensu beans from the Pandaren. – @Katana_Angel
- Garrosh is discovered to be Thrall’s evil clone, created by the Royal Apothecary Society to destroy the horde from within. – @Katana_Angel
- Everyone can eat and drink at the same time. If you’re a Pandaren, you can eat, drink, and brew beer at the same time. – @WoWCynwise
- Just discovered! In MoP, BM Hunters get 2 min CD Bestial Xform – change into a twin of their active pet for 15 secs! – @BigBearButt
- Pet Battle System only way to earn Trinkets. – @Melofedge
- Genn Greymane gets rabies, bites and infects Jaina Proudmoore, and then sends players on a poop quest in Lordaeron. – @Druidleaves
- Pandaran cooking profession now include a recipe for Sweetfire Chicken sponsored by Panda Express, home of the flying wok. – @KneeDough
((A huge thank you to all the awesome folks that joined in the fun on twitter. I love to see what people come up with. To those who aren’t already, I would highly recommend following all these amazing tweeps. They are an amazingly fun bunch!))
A Short Prediction for MoP
“Garrosh has become corrupted and has been doing some really nasty things beneath Orgrimmar.” – MMO Champion
“Sha: Lethal dark energy—absorbs hateful emotions and easily corrupts those who are unsuspecting” – WoWHead
Garrosh has become corrupted – Sha … easily corrupts
GARROSH CORRUPTED – SHA CORRUPTS
Gee, can we guess what happens to Garrosh this expac?
Look Like Panda, Talk Like People…
Man, oh man. Did you see that Heart of the Swarm trailer? Wasn’t that… oh. You don’t want to hear me talk about how Kerrigan is awesome, do you? You want to hear about the fuzzy wuzzies don’t you? Fiiiine.
So like most folks yesterday, I was frantically trying to keep up with the news flowing out of Blizzcon – to the detriment of my job, naturally (WoW > Job, yes?). I had been telling people for weeks that ‘Yes, there will be pandas.’ Now, how those pandas manifested was unsure. You couldn’t just give them to one side. So they’d have to do something wacky with a neutral race or they would be a NPC faction/enemies. Honestly, the idea of a bunch of pandaren kung fu masters snatching up members of the Alliance and Horde and dragging them off into the recesses of the dark wilderness would be pretty cool.
However, I had no doubt in my mind – not a smidge – that the next expansion would be the Mists of Pandaria. My guess from back when the great old one known as the internet unveiled a vision of a copyright being registered was that World of Warcraft was possibly going to start moving away from “Here is your villain, this is the story” and focus more on “Here is this new place, lets see what there is to find here.” I was however, not expecting the continuing advancement of the Alliance and Horde war consuming the globe. It makes sense, but it had never occurred to me to push that.
Otherwise, here’s my two silver (my opinion is worth that much! Don’t laugh!) about the rest of the stuff announced, in a convenient bullet point list!
- Pandaren: They’re big and fuzzy. Here’s hoping the females look good. Can’t be hard. Just copy the Jack Black movie. They did alright with male and female pandas in the second one. The neutrality thing is neat, and I’m curious about the story leading into making the faction choice.
- Monk Class: A new tank/melee healer/melee dps class? Hmm… No auto attack? Uses Light and Dark energy to fuel its attacks? That sounds familiar. HMMM… Honestly, it’s not shocking with the Pandaren being added that this would come too. There’s some neat ideas behind the class, and I’m interested in how a melee healer would work. Also, gnomes can be monks. So that’s pretty awesome in my book.
- Pet Battle System: It’s Pokémon. This is not a bad thing. Pokémon has survived the initial backlash from its surge in popularity and has becoming appealing to a range of people because it is fun to collect and the battle system is fun and requires strategy. This should be a fun addition to the game.
- Challenge Mode: You scale down your gear and time trial dungeons for transmog gear and valor points. Not a bad idea. I foresee lots of complaints about ‘rehashing content’ with this. Could be a fun activity.
- New Heroics and No Normal Dungeons: Yes, apparently there will be no normal dungeons in Mists. Apparently that will be made up with endgame questing and dailies. How exactly you have a ‘heroic version’ of a non-existent normal dungeon is beyond me though. Also there was some news that Heroic Scarlet Monastery is a new lv 80 heroic and Scholo is lv 90. I wonder if that’s a typo honestly. Seems odd to add a Wrath level heroic in.
- PvE Scenarios: A fascinating concept really. Small group events without the need of dedicated roles for VP? I really like the idea. But they can’t be like dungeons. You can’t just have 5-6 of them and then say “done”. Because from what they’re proposing, without a sense of freshness being injected now and then or enough total to avoid excessive repetition, these could more annoying than dungeon grinding.
- Level 90 Cap: Five levels don’t bother me if there’s stuff to DO at the end. If all the above pans out, this won’t be a problem for me.
- More focus on Endgame PvE: They said this about Cata too. It was supposed to be the trade-off for only having 5 levels. In turn we got a couple of daily grinds, 5 new heroics post-launch over the course of at least a year, a couple of amusing but short story quest chains, and 2 new post-launch raids. I’ll be happy if they can deliver, but I’m not holding my breath.
So, I’m sold right? Put me down for that silly 12 month contract? Uh… no. Sorry. As much as my finger twitched over the renew button on my Battle.Net account page, I am still going to let my subscription lapse in late November. Why you ask? When so clearly this is a dream come true for the casual, PvE orientated, semi anti-social, achievement hunter like myself? Because I remember.
I remember Blizzcon of years past. I remember the ideas proposed for Cataclysm. That there was only going to be five levels for more focus on endgame content, that there would alternate progression paths through the Path of the Titans, and all the wonderous potential and fun that Archaeology would bring to the game. Call me jaded and cynical, but Blizzard has earned my interest with all of this but not my trust. I will withhold giving them any money until I see what actually becomes of all this – the stuff that actually makes it in – when it goes live on the servers.
At best, coming back to WoW for a few months has become a definite possibility when I tire of other games. Which is more than it was getting before the announcement.