Just in time for Noblegarden, I present you with DEHTA’s newest ad campaign:
You would think it’d be enough for me to mock DEHTA about their shortcomings with Noblegarden last year, but I’ve had them slated for a good mocking for this item in particular for some time. I used to actually wear them around so I could claim that anything I did was ethical – including slaughtering herds of wandering rhinos for their deliciously juicy meats.
Have a Happy Noblegarden everyone!
“I meant to do that.” – Random Mage Flying Through a Window
Perhaps taking a break in the serenity of nature will keep my mind off of the immense greed and corruption of the Trade District. So a quick jaunt over to the Mage Quarter is in order. The architecture is very different in this area compared to that of the Trade District, the buildings seem to be older, there is a distinct purple motif (I blame Dalaran for the whole Mage = Purple mentality), and the roads are all paved in grass.
What?! Who in their right mind thought this would be a good idea?! I can understand the mentality of having grass roads in The Park (We’ll get to that fruitcake factory in a bit), but at what point did the Stormwind designers sit there and say “Mages like grass right?” “Oh yea! They use that arcane magic… which is from like nature and stuff right?” Surely, no logical train of thought could reach the conclusion that grass roads are appropriate here. Luckily (or unluckily), the lack of logic does not stop at the roads. Shall we?
Only You Can Prevent Start Fires!
You would think in a district that is mostly covered in grass in a city that has already been burned to ground once, controlling outbreaks of fire would be a priority. You would be wrong. In the corner of the Mage Quarter is a small shop that is simply called ‘Pyrotechnics.’ What do they sell? Things that start fires, of course! More specifically: fireworks.
Judging from the overall lack of stock in the shop (in comparison to the majority of shops in Stormwind), business is not doing well. Even the shop owner, Darian Singh, looks a little depressed about it. Now, I am not a business expert by any means. Heck, my auction house profits were noticably low this last quarter (Damn battered hilt impulse buying). But if you are going to open a shop that sells fireworks (I should say firework, cause all he actually has in stock is the red fireworks and a schematic for the blue fireworks), you might not want to do it in the second most flamable area in Stormwind. Just a hunch.
I actually want to know why he did it. What was the deal he must have scored to decide to open up a fireworks shop here. Maybe the rent is really low? That would work. It would explain the abundance of poorly kept and redundant shops in the Mage Quarter (How many Herbalism shops are there in Stormwind?) Maybe it’s an attempt to appeal to the mage audience. After all, they shoot fireballs. Fireworks are kind of like fireballs. So maybe there’s an appeal there. But if mages (AND warlocks) can shoot fire, why would they want to buy fake fireballs?
Is it for the mage wannabes? People who aren’t mages or warlocks but want to act like them? Do such people exist? Well I suppose if there’s a tauren who wants to be a rogue, it can’t be out of the realm of possibilities for there to be people who want to be mages. Still, seems like a weak premise to invest in starting an entire shop for. At least it explains the lack of business.
Could I Interest You in a Skull or a Rabbit?
Even if Pyrotechnics is a stupid idea for a shop, at least I know what they sell. There is another shop in the Mage Quarter called Ancient Curios. Now this shop, I have no idea. Technically, they sell reagents but there is no possible way you would know that from simply looking inside. The place is decorated with skulls from various animals in Kalimdor, strange looking weapons, alchemical supplies and there’s a rabbit sitting on the counter.
Every other shop in Stormwind, you can usually gather what they sell by their surroundings. Herbalism shops are full of flowers, the weapon shops have racks of swords and axes, and tailoring shops have fine clothing on display. But what does having some weird staves and a couple of plainstrider skulls have to do with magical trinkets? I mean, I can kind of see the alchemy stuff being related to reagents, but that’s about it.
I really don’t get the rabbit though. Are they going for a Magician’s Rabbit thing? That it’s supposed to hop out of a hat or something? But there is no hat. None. So what’s the deal with the rabbit? It’s never addressed. It just sits there. More importantly it sits on the same table as the weapons, alchemy supplies and skulls. So… can I buy the rabbit? Is the rabbit a reagent? What spell uses a rabbit as a reagent?! I will admit, I haven’t played every class in the game to max level. So I don’t want to rule this option out.
Maybe it’s for a druid form? You wanna switch to cat form, but your cat form doesn’t want to… um… emerge because it’s hungry. Use the rabbit to lure it out! Or maybe its used for a special mage portal. You know, like the rabbit in a hat trick. I would try to imagine what a warlock would use it for but that becomes very disturbing, very quickly.
I actually thought the rabbit was the vendor at first. Magic spell gone wrong or something. It would explain why no one had bothered to clean the massive cobwebs that had formed around the shop. But no, the rabbit isn’t the shop keep. It’s just a rabbit. That stares at me. And never blinks. I’m not shopping here anymore.
Location: Anywhere Noblegarden is celebrated
Now I’m an open minded guy. I don’t take issue with the marriage between a human and a gnome. I voted for reforming the forsaken health care system to exclude “already dead” as a preexisting condition to refuse coverage. I even protested the unlawful removal of tauren for the excavation of Bael Modan. (I protested with dynamite!) But there are just some things I don’t want to see in a public place. Namely, a bunch of rabbits bumping uglies all over the table at the local tavern. It’s not sanitary!
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about – because honestly once you get credit for the Spring Fling achievement why bother actually looking at what it entails – when you get a pair of Spring Rabbits to meet up they get little hearts over their heads and then immediately start going at it. By going at it I mean they start hopping around as a pair and shooting little eggs out that transform into baby bunnies.
I don’t know what’s worse, that this can happen almost anywhere including the table I was planning to eat at or that this is a completely inaccurate view of how rabbits breed. Don’t get me wrong, in Azeroth a lot of strange things can happen. But I don’t care if it’s Dun Morogh, Kalimdor, or even Outland – Rabbits do NOT lay eggs. This is not even up for discussion.
But even the gross misconception of how basic biology works doesn’t bother me as much as the revelation this whole act brings to light. The bunnies lay eggs (not really ‘lay’ – they fire off eggs out of their coupling like spilling water on a mogwai) which burst into flowers and a baby bunny emerges. The odd thing is that the eggs look exactly like the colorful eggs that people spend all of Noblegarden running around and collecting, breaking open and devouring the chocolate inside. What this seems to imply is the “yolk” of the bunny egg is made of chocolate and what we are actually eating and using for currency during Noblegarden is actually rabbit embryos.
I have no doubt that you have a horrified or disgusted look on your face right now. That’s the exact same look that was on my face when I pieced this together myself. The fact that DEHTA isn’t all over Noblegarden is absolutely shocking. There’s an achievement to eat 100 chocolates – That’s 100 dead bunnies, people! I know, I know. We do it for chickens… and rocs… and dragonhawks… but these are BUNNIES! Cute and cuddly bunnies! Do you wanna kill bunnies? Okay, well yes, I did kill a lot of bunnies when I first starting leveling my skinning for the easy leather. But these are BABY bunnies. Do you wanna… oh forget it.
Noblegarden is just an all around messed up holiday in Azeroth. You’re eating bunny embryos from a method of rabbit breeding that is completely ridiculous and inaccurate. Men and women across the land are encouraged to cross-dress. You have to run through an area that is a giant dinosaur death trap to drop an egg (a baby bunny) in boiling water. All for the sake of being called ‘The Noble’. What kind of messed up version of nobility is this?
And do not get me started on why some of the baby bunny eggs have tuxes and dresses in them. I don’t even want to think about it.