Category Archives: Kalimdor

Anchors (and Logic) Away!

Goblin Art

This is what passes for 'Art' in Goblin Towns.

Location: Ratchet, The Barrens

Faction: Neutral

Now this isn’t the first time I’ve spoken about the wonderful Goblins.  I’ve spoken about their efficient use of amazing machines with the Venture Company in comparison to say Orcs.  But despite what the Goblins have in technical abilities, I often have to wonder about their choices in aesthetics.  Gnomish technology is functional, less likely to blow you up, and definately has a unique design aesthetic that when you look at a Gnome machine you KNOW it’s a gnome machine.  Other than the fact that they are usually cobbled togehter machines that seem to be rusty and a hazard to your health, I’ve never seen any intent on the Goblins part to make things look good.  They seem to pride themselves on getting the job done and under budget.  This probably explains why things like the Sludge Fen rig in the Northern Barrens looks like it’s about to collapse when you climb it.  So when I start to see things like the giant anchor in the middle of Ratchet, I have to wonder.

I don’t think it was placed there intentionally.  I couldn’t imagine a bunch of goblins taking the time to drag a huge anchor onto land and prop it up for no real reason.  It would be a waste of time, money and manpower for a simple visual piece in the center of town.  But then again in Booty Bay there is a huge statue of a goblin standing there in robes.  I’m extremely curious about these because Goblins don’t seem to take a break long enough to even build decent homes.  Most goblin towns are either domes or barely standing shacks.  So why would they go to such lengths to decorate?

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We Dug Too Deep, Too Greedily…

Hey look! Its like a metaphor for those Moral Choices I keep hearing about in video games these days.

Hey look! It's like a metaphor for those "Moral Choices" I keep hearing about in video games these days.

Location: Splintertree Post, Ashenvale

Faction: Horde

Far to the back of the horribly designed Splintertree Post (Come on, would it be that hard to consolidate the entire place in a sensible fashion?  You got some of it in the walls, some of it outside of the walls, and even more of it on the other side of the road and down the ways a bit…), lies a long and dark tunnel.  Filled with a red haze, this twisting turning cavern has no one in it, and leads to nowhere.  I’ve seen people use this as a staging ground for RP or World PvP events (Kill the target in the cave before the buzzer tolls and you win!), but these aren’t really explanations for its eerie presence in the woods.  However, from the red fog to the flames lining the path, I do believe that there is another explanation…

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Love the Goblins, Hate the Needles

I dont know whats worse. The poor attempt at impressionism, or the knife throwers aim.

I don't know what's worse. The poor attempt at impressionism, or the knife throwers aim.

Location: Booty Bay, Stranglethorn Vale

Faction: Neutral

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Booty Bay.  Yes, I know, I spent hours slaughtering their Bruisers and leaders to get a fancy looking hat, but in the end, I really do enjoy their city.  It’s a one of a kind place.  Look at almost every other goblin town, be it Gadgetzan, Area 52 or K3 and they roughly all have the same Mos Eisley Spaceport look and feel to them (Ratchet is the exception, but judging from the number of empty buildings in that place, my guess is the Goblins “invested” in it rather than built it).  Booty Bay is a pirates town alright, like an Azerothian Tortuga, and there’s pirate grudges and feuds all about.

The oddest grudge I’ve found there though can be found in one of the houses a stones throw from the inn.  Inside is a large painting of what appears to be Thousand Needles, and daggers flung into it.  Now, I’ve heard of fearing or hating a place because of what’s there (Silithids, Worgen,  billions of skeletons, and lag come to mind for a few places around Azeroth) but all that’s in 1K Needles is Goblins and Tauren. One runs Booty Bay and the other can’t figure out that’s flying lizard mommies produce flying lizard babies.  So what could these people possibly have against 1K Needles?

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The Azerothian Patient

Extract Little Black Box. Requires Engineering 520.

Extract Little Black Box. Requires Engineering 520.

Location: Southbreak Shore, Tanaris

Faction: Neutral

One fine day, I got very bored and decided to see what the little stretch of land at the far south end of Tanaris was.  You know, the one that’s south of pirates, south of Uldum and on the otherside of the mountains with no actual means to enter it.  So I swam.

To be honest, Southbreak isn’t extremely impressive.  Lots of turtles and sand, the sight of a far off island even further south, and a crashed plane.  Wait… what?  That’s right, there’s a crashed gnomish plane on the deserted beach.  There’s really no sign of who or what it belonged to.  I took it upon myself to think up a story for it. Read the rest of this entry

Demons Need Love Too

Well, I suppose you cant just find it in your grocers freezer or anything.

Well, I suppose you can't just find it in your grocer's freezer or anything.

Location: Felfire Hill, Ashenvale

Faction: Neutral

If you ever needed a reason to actually read some of those quest items you randomly pick up through the game, this is a good one.  I decided to flip through a copy of “Diabolical Plans” that drop off various demons in Ashenvale and found it to have an insightful twist.  What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a demon with a heart. One he did not rip out of another person’s chest, mind you.  No, this one is all his own.  And apperently is quite fond of not only writing love letters to ‘lashers’ (which are the succubus’ in the area) but does so with the blood of night elf virgins (Oh, are the Priestesses of Elune becoming endangered?)

I can’t exactly blame Diathorus.  As any warlock can tell you, succubi are hawt. As any patron of an Ironforge mailbox can tell you, Night Elves are hawt.  Wouldn’t you do the same in his shoes…  hooves…   feet?  Is Diathorus really such a bad guy?

Yes. Yes he is. He’s a frickin Demon.

Omigawd! Girl Talk in the Barrens!

Omigawd! Shoes.

Omigawd! Shoes.

Location: The Gold Road, The Barrens

Faction: Neutral (But they might hit you if your alliance)

Just a bit south from the Crossroads (So Alliance, take in the sights before going on a muderous rampage), there’s a tent on the east side of the road.  Inside are two female Horde Guards chatting away.  They never really say anything though.  They move their mouths, the wave their hands, but not one bit of dialogue has come out of these two.  One of them does laugh at some point, so they have to be talking about something funny.  I bet it’s boys.  You know once you go tauren, your love life will never be borin’.

Cenarius Gonna Sue Somebody!

Location: Stonetalon Peak, Stonetalon Mountains

Faction: Neutral (Can only be seen from the sky)

I noticed this one on a fly by on the way to Ashenvale, and had to drop some additional coin to come back and confirm it (and snap a photo).  But the Cenarion Circle is apparently extremely protective of the environment.  How protective one might ask?  Well, they have copyrighted Stonetalon Peak.  You may think it’s just some old temple ruins, but no. It’s a giant copyright symbol on top of the Peak.  I’m guessing that means they have the copyright on peaks… or mountains… or Stone.. Talons?

I wonder if the Horde have to pay the Circle royalties for setting up the Sun Rock Retreat.  Venture Company however gets free reign, because there is no way a bunch of Elves are ever gonna best a goblin lawyer.

Orcs are Horrible Engineers

You think this is big, Imagine the CEOs desk it goes on.

You think this is big, Imagine the CEO's desk it goes on.

Location: Warsong Lumber Camp, Ashenvale and Windshear Crag, Stonetalon Mountains

Faction: Neutral (Easier if your Horde)

While I have little to no doubt in the aptitude of the average Orc to smelt ore, crush stone to powder, or assemble small mechanical squirrels – one need only to venture to the Warsong lumber yards in Eastern Ashenvale to witness the true weak link of Orcish engineering. A serious lack of math.

Take a look at this picture.  There are no less than two of these contraptions in the entire area.  I can’t figure out what they could be used for.  At first glance this contraption is designed to simply put wood on a wagon.  But not so. This device does not have enough rope for that.  I walked around it three times looking for some manner of extra rope to lift and lower the wood.  Doesn’t exist. The wood only has enough rope to keep it suspended in the air like it’s seen. It’s a giant orc executive ball clicker.

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A Thousand Is Exaggerating

Location: Shimmering Flats, Thousand Needles

Faction: Neutral

I really think the Shimmering Flats need to be separated from Thousand Needles.  It does not make sense to have an entire zone named after a very visual motif such as dozens (Not thousands, but I’m going to assume that Tauren struggle with counting.  They are very nature orientated, and probably don’t care for scientific things like numbers very much).  But then to say:

“These are the Thousand Needles, for they look like a thousand needles”.

“What about that flat part? Is that part of the Thousand Needles?”

“Yes. Because they do not look like needles, therefore they are the more than a thousand not-needles”

Seriously, come on. How do you explain the Shimmering Flats being part of that region?  I say give it to Tanaris.  Just redraw the lines.  The goblins won’t complain. They control most of the flats anyway.

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