Category Archives: Kalimdor
Location: Warsong Hold, Borean Tundra – Vengeance Landing, Howling Fjord – Grol’dom Farm, the Barrens
This oddity comes in via email from Umjin who simply asks “What’s the deal with the bees?” Included were several pictures of what you see here, drawings of bees on the sandbags of the Horde airships that transport people to and from Northrend. I must admit, this one did stump me at first until I remembered a trip I had made a while back through the Barrens. That trip is where I learned the darkest secret of the Horde and I hesitated quite a bit about even posting about it in fear of what the Alliance might do with this knowledge. But Umjin wants to know, and I’m sure you all do too. So here it is.
The Horde is afraid of Bees.
It’s true. While making my way towards the Crossroads I found Trok, a young orc who was running day and night from this malicious insects. I tried to talk to the little orc but he wouldn’t stay still for a single second. He would just keep running from the bees who endlessly chased him around the plains. I was admittedly concerned for Trok, especially after he continued to call for help from his sister Karu, who didn’t even lift a finger to aid him. I would soon learn that this girl was not a coward but as sagely as the shaman Kranal Fiss (who I can only assume is their father.) You see, I tried to help Trok with his bee problem.
I tried every attack and every spell I could muster attempting to stop the assault of the tiny winged fiends but it was no good. They were too small, too quick and too agile to be stopped by brute force. That is their greatest strength. An orc specializes in smashing and slashing, a tauren could stomp you into submission, and a troll could throw a thousand knives at you in the blink of an eye – but what are these strengths against the masterful dodge and sting attacks of the bee? This is why the wise Karu doesn’t aid her brother. She knows that to fight the bee is to lose to the bee. She understands the bees’ strengths, and she knows that a lowly orc has no chance to take down this cunning beast.
Everyone in the Horde knows and fears the strength of the bee. There is no armor infiltration proof enough to stop them, there is no weapon quick or accurate enough to kill them and there is no spell that they are not able to avoid. Truly the bee is a force to be reckoned with. The Alliance only wishes they could possess the power of the bee, I know the goblins do. Why else would they design many of their zeppelins to look like bees if they weren’t attempting to harness this power? To decorate your vessel with the bee is to will your vessel to fly with the power of the bee! After all, there’s no way a bee can actually fly, yet it does. Wouldn’t you wish to infuse your flying ship with the power to defy physics itself? I know I would.
So perhaps that is why they paint them on the sandbags, as a way to show that the horde and their zeppelins will defy logic and the world to do what they do. A truly powerful sentiment that shall ever endure as a testament to the strength of the Horde’s aerial prowess.
That or it is the absolutely dumbest form of camouflage I have ever seen. No no no, we’re not a horde war zeppelin. Nope. Just a bunch of bees. Bzz bzz bzz. /sigh
Location: Ratchet, The Barrens
Now this isn’t the first time I’ve spoken about the wonderful Goblins. I’ve spoken about their efficient use of amazing machines with the Venture Company in comparison to say Orcs. But despite what the Goblins have in technical abilities, I often have to wonder about their choices in aesthetics. Gnomish technology is functional, less likely to blow you up, and definately has a unique design aesthetic that when you look at a Gnome machine you KNOW it’s a gnome machine. Other than the fact that they are usually cobbled togehter machines that seem to be rusty and a hazard to your health, I’ve never seen any intent on the Goblins part to make things look good. They seem to pride themselves on getting the job done and under budget. This probably explains why things like the Sludge Fen rig in the Northern Barrens looks like it’s about to collapse when you climb it. So when I start to see things like the giant anchor in the middle of Ratchet, I have to wonder.
I don’t think it was placed there intentionally. I couldn’t imagine a bunch of goblins taking the time to drag a huge anchor onto land and prop it up for no real reason. It would be a waste of time, money and manpower for a simple visual piece in the center of town. But then again in Booty Bay there is a huge statue of a goblin standing there in robes. I’m extremely curious about these because Goblins don’t seem to take a break long enough to even build decent homes. Most goblin towns are either domes or barely standing shacks. So why would they go to such lengths to decorate?
Location: Splintertree Post, Ashenvale
Far to the back of the horribly designed Splintertree Post (Come on, would it be that hard to consolidate the entire place in a sensible fashion? You got some of it in the walls, some of it outside of the walls, and even more of it on the other side of the road and down the ways a bit…), lies a long and dark tunnel. Filled with a red haze, this twisting turning cavern has no one in it, and leads to nowhere. I’ve seen people use this as a staging ground for RP or World PvP events (Kill the target in the cave before the buzzer tolls and you win!), but these aren’t really explanations for its eerie presence in the woods. However, from the red fog to the flames lining the path, I do believe that there is another explanation…
Location: Booty Bay, Stranglethorn Vale
Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Booty Bay. Yes, I know, I spent hours slaughtering their Bruisers and leaders to get a fancy looking hat, but in the end, I really do enjoy their city. It’s a one of a kind place. Look at almost every other goblin town, be it Gadgetzan, Area 52 or K3 and they roughly all have the same Mos Eisley Spaceport look and feel to them (Ratchet is the exception, but judging from the number of empty buildings in that place, my guess is the Goblins “invested” in it rather than built it). Booty Bay is a pirates town alright, like an Azerothian Tortuga, and there’s pirate grudges and feuds all about.
The oddest grudge I’ve found there though can be found in one of the houses a stones throw from the inn. Inside is a large painting of what appears to be Thousand Needles, and daggers flung into it. Now, I’ve heard of fearing or hating a place because of what’s there (Silithids, Worgen, billions of skeletons, and lag come to mind for a few places around Azeroth) but all that’s in 1K Needles is Goblins and Tauren. One runs Booty Bay and the other can’t figure out that’s flying lizard mommies produce flying lizard babies. So what could these people possibly have against 1K Needles?
Location: Southbreak Shore, Tanaris
One fine day, I got very bored and decided to see what the little stretch of land at the far south end of Tanaris was. You know, the one that’s south of pirates, south of Uldum and on the otherside of the mountains with no actual means to enter it. So I swam.
To be honest, Southbreak isn’t extremely impressive. Lots of turtles and sand, the sight of a far off island even further south, and a crashed plane. Wait… what? That’s right, there’s a crashed gnomish plane on the deserted beach. There’s really no sign of who or what it belonged to. I took it upon myself to think up a story for it. Read the rest of this entry
Location: Felfire Hill, Ashenvale
If you ever needed a reason to actually read some of those quest items you randomly pick up through the game, this is a good one. I decided to flip through a copy of “Diabolical Plans” that drop off various demons in Ashenvale and found it to have an insightful twist. What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a demon with a heart. One he did not rip out of another person’s chest, mind you. No, this one is all his own. And apperently is quite fond of not only writing love letters to ‘lashers’ (which are the succubus’ in the area) but does so with the blood of night elf virgins (Oh, are the Priestesses of Elune becoming endangered?)
I can’t exactly blame Diathorus. As any warlock can tell you, succubi are hawt. As any patron of an Ironforge mailbox can tell you, Night Elves are hawt. Wouldn’t you do the same in his shoes… hooves… feet? Is Diathorus really such a bad guy?
Yes. Yes he is. He’s a frickin Demon.
Location: The Gold Road, The Barrens
Faction: Neutral (But they might hit you if your alliance)
Just a bit south from the Crossroads (So Alliance, take in the sights before going on a muderous rampage), there’s a tent on the east side of the road. Inside are two female Horde Guards chatting away. They never really say anything though. They move their mouths, the wave their hands, but not one bit of dialogue has come out of these two. One of them does laugh at some point, so they have to be talking about something funny. I bet it’s boys. You know once you go tauren, your love life will never be borin’.
Location: Stonetalon Peak, Stonetalon Mountains
Faction: Neutral (Can only be seen from the sky)
I noticed this one on a fly by on the way to Ashenvale, and had to drop some additional coin to come back and confirm it (and snap a photo). But the Cenarion Circle is apparently extremely protective of the environment. How protective one might ask? Well, they have copyrighted Stonetalon Peak. You may think it’s just some old temple ruins, but no. It’s a giant copyright symbol on top of the Peak. I’m guessing that means they have the copyright on peaks… or mountains… or Stone.. Talons?
I wonder if the Horde have to pay the Circle royalties for setting up the Sun Rock Retreat. Venture Company however gets free reign, because there is no way a bunch of Elves are ever gonna best a goblin lawyer.
Location: Warsong Lumber Camp, Ashenvale and Windshear Crag, Stonetalon Mountains
Faction: Neutral (Easier if your Horde)
While I have little to no doubt in the aptitude of the average Orc to smelt ore, crush stone to powder, or assemble small mechanical squirrels – one need only to venture to the Warsong lumber yards in Eastern Ashenvale to witness the true weak link of Orcish engineering. A serious lack of math.
Take a look at this picture. There are no less than two of these contraptions in the entire area. I can’t figure out what they could be used for. At first glance this contraption is designed to simply put wood on a wagon. But not so. This device does not have enough rope for that. I walked around it three times looking for some manner of extra rope to lift and lower the wood. Doesn’t exist. The wood only has enough rope to keep it suspended in the air like it’s seen. It’s a giant orc executive ball clicker.
Location: Shimmering Flats, Thousand Needles
I really think the Shimmering Flats need to be separated from Thousand Needles. It does not make sense to have an entire zone named after a very visual motif such as dozens (Not thousands, but I’m going to assume that Tauren struggle with counting. They are very nature orientated, and probably don’t care for scientific things like numbers very much). But then to say:
“These are the Thousand Needles, for they look like a thousand needles”.
“What about that flat part? Is that part of the Thousand Needles?”
“Yes. Because they do not look like needles, therefore they are the more than a thousand not-needles”
Seriously, come on. How do you explain the Shimmering Flats being part of that region? I say give it to Tanaris. Just redraw the lines. The goblins won’t complain. They control most of the flats anyway.