Let’s Hope They Don’t Learn to Open Doors
Location: The Secret Lab, Azshara
Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day in Azshara and the creature only known as… Subject Nine.
For those who are not familiar with Subject Nine, here’s the low down. Subject Nine is a raptor that was given a hat and made into a super genius by the goblin scientist Hobart Grapplehammer (Who belongs to the ‘Oh Why the Hell Not’ school of scientific thinking). You encounter her in the secret lab and assist her in rounding up some of her younglings and shooting them off into space on Nine’s spaceship that she designed: The Velocistar. It’s a quick chain of quests that gives its share of nods, in the usual tone of goblin quirkiness, to pop culture references (Nine’s Plan to Outer Space.)
So what exactly is so odd about this? Well, first of all, I’m fairly curious where the heck Subject Nine came from originally. There’s one point in Kezan where we see her, which means she originally comes from the South Seas. Were raptors a normal thing on pre-volcano’d Kezan? Did they roam the alleys of the Undermine? I know we get to see raptors on the Lost Isles, but there’s no way of telling how close or far the Lost Isles are to Kezan (Okay, there is an in game map that shows them being fairly close together, but that map also puts them within spitting distance of the Maelstrom, so I’m not exactly inclined to believe that it’s a very realistic map). Further more the raptors on the Lost Isles look like Outland Raptors (Well… that kills any theory of them being two species that developed on separate worlds. Now Blizz, explain to me why there FRICKIN’ RAPTORS IN OUTLAND?! Cause you’ve killed my last theory now.) and Subject Nine has the appearance of a Barrens raptor (More notable, a Sunscale raptor).
I’m not opposed to thinking that goblins, the top dogs when it comes to intercontinental travel in Azeroth, would have shipped in some raptors for experimentation. In fact they mention it in one of the quests at the Secret Lab that they DID get them from the Barrens (Her mate – Subject Four – appears to be a Bloodtalon raptor from Durotar). So apparently they got a bunch of raptor eggs and dragged them all the way back to Kezan and then amidst their island being blown up, being sold off to slavery and then crash landing on another island before coming to Kalimdor, Hobart Grapplehammer dragged around a baby raptor (That we NEVER see on the Lost Isles). I’m sorry but this whole thing just reeks of ‘plot hole’. Maybe I shouldn’t be taking anything the goblins do this seriously, but Subject Nine creates some of the most blaring plot holes while leveling from 1-20 as a goblin than any other sole character in Warcraft (with the possible exception of Ronin).
The other issue I had with this whole thing is why choose a raptor to make into a super genius? Raptors are the smartest beasts in WoW already! Don’t believe me? Do some questing in the Northern Barrens – They systematically attack and rob a caravan! They steal the silver from it and run off into the wild. So not only can they outwit and tactically best an armed horde wagon, but also know that silver is apparently worth something as it’s the only thing they took, and then hauled it back off to their encampment. Yes, I said encampment. The raptors in the barrens have set up their own little camps and have started to forge their own little societies. Why are we now deciding to give them the means to build and construct super weapons and send themselves to other worlds? This is just so unethical… so terrifying… and as sad as I am to say it, so very, very goblin.
Still wouldn’t scientific curiosity insist on more of a challenge of taking something smart and making it smarter? How about more of a challenge? Like maybe a crab or a tauren? When you give a species that prides itself of cunning, tactical murder and then give it the means to out think its creator (As Subject Nine actually fixes several errors with the original goblin design for the space craft), one can only hope that it sees us as worthy to be kept as pet. Just perhaps, on your way to the Crossroads, something will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it… for it may be a raptor from outer space.