Warchief Election: Warriors Gonna War
Hello everyone and welcome back to yet another exciting Warchief Election Debate! Last time we got some pretty awesome ratings thanks to the good people over WoW Insider (We promise not to say anything bad about you for like, six weeks. I know we haven’t ever said anything about you before either, but this is like a guarantee. Which is even better right?). Anyway, this week we’ve got a doozy. It’s the polar opposite of last time – we’ve got two war minded candidates tonight and they look ready to kill, which means it HAS to be more interesting than two pacifists ‘duking’ it out for who doesn’t want to hurt more people.
As always, we have the Son of Hellscream himself, the slayer of… (Um… Garrosh… have you actually killed anything? Uh huh. What’s that? Hmm.. okay.) The slayer of depression, the destroyer of da blues, Garrosh Hellscream! And also we have the privilege, nay the pleasure, of welcoming back the Dark Lady, Sylvanas Windrunner, queen of the forsaken and crusher of giant ice walls. Tonight’s debate is brought to you by The Enterprise Company… seriously? I was just joking last time! Do they think this is going to work? Oh well, “Enterprise Company. Your source for everything the Venture Company has, only you can buy it from us because we’re totally not evil and totally not the Venture Company” Can we just get on with the stinking debates?
QUESTION: Both of tonight’s candidates…
RICHARD KNAAK: I’m still here, a**hole.
Sorry Richard, totally forgot you were there… again. Ahem. Again the majority of our candidates tonight are in favor of war with the Alliance. So the first question this evening is why do you think war is the best possible option as well as why your strategic plans are better than your opponents?
GARROSH: The Alliance is a threat to the Horde. That’s all they are ever going to be. No matter what we do, they will continue to see us as beasts and monsters that serve no other purpose but to killed off or kicked out until we no longer dwell in “their world.” I think the fact that they still feel that way after everything our current warchief has done is proof enough that they want nothing else but to see us dead. The best defense is a good offense. We need to strike out and stake our claim in this world if we are ever going to have anything. You think that those noble souls doing battle in Warsong Gulch are just playing around with a flag?
RICHARD KNAAK: Yes.
GARROSH: No! They are battling for the resources and control of the territory that those resources reside on for the Horde! We need that lumber for the houses that our young sleep in! We need it to defend our walls, and our loved ones! And the only way we will ever lay claim to the resources we need to survive is to take them from those who will not willingly give them. So we fight the Alliance, not because we are blood shedding beasts but because we wish to survive! I will not lay down my honor and roll over to die as a coward in some ditch while the Alliance takes everything from us. My father did not die so the Horde could live on their knees. He died so we could be free people! Free from the bloodlust, the demons, our pasts, and the Alliance!
RICHARD KNAAK: Yes but like when I created Rhonin, I thought-
SYLVANAS: Surprisingly, I actually agree with Garrosh. War with the Alliance is necessary if for no other reason than self-preservation. Anyone who argues against self-preservation is an illogical idiot than deserves the fate that awaits them. However, I don’t agree with Garrosh’s idea of brute strength beating down the doors of the Alliance and saying ‘gimme.’ No, to best the Alliance we are better off using subtlety. A precise strike can do far more damage than constantly bludgeoning something over the head repeatedly. That’s why I founded the Royal Apothecary Society.
GARROSH: And didn’t that turn out peachy?
SYLVANAS: Quiet, you lap dog of Thrall. ‘Everything our current warchief has done’? Ha! Does he read you bed time stories now that daddy is dead?
GARROSH: Hold your tongue, banshee.
SYLVANAS: You are in no place to order me, Hellscream. The Society was founded with the idea of finding a way to efficiently and secretly eliminate our enemies without needing to lift anything more than a finger to push the button. I see now that leaving Putress and Varimathras unsupervised was a mistake, one I don’t plan to make again. But efficiency means less deaths for the Horde, more deaths for the Alliance and anything we can need can be at our disposal with a simple flick of the wrist and drop of well designed slime.
GARROSH: There is no honor in that! Honor comes from defeating your enemies head on and in a glorious battle!
RICHARD KNAAK: …kind of an outsider that could unite everyone under a single cause, be it horde or alliance or even humans and elves. Heck it was almost like I invented Robin Hood…
SYLVANAS: Your outdated senses of honor are useless here. This is no time for wasting lives.
GARROSH: Like you have a life to waste.
RICHARD KNAAK: …And when Vereesa saw him for the first time, oh ho ho, there’s no avoiding a couple of half-elf kids at that point.
SYLVANAS: What. did. you. just. say. ABOUT MY LITTLE SISTER?
RICHARD KNAAK: Nothing!
QUESTION: Having engaged in some rather questionable actions in the past, it has made some voters uneasy about putting you in charge of the Horde. What can you say to defend your past actions and why should voters trust you?
GARROSH: I admit that my actions in Northrend were… extreme. But extreme actions is what the situation called for. We faced two enemies in that frozen hell, one thought of us as nothing more than household vermin and the Scourge feared nothing, not even death. There is no ‘merciful’ tactic against enemies like that. You must not hesitate or else you give them the chance to take you by surprise. Look at that pathetic human’s tournament in Icecrown! He left the doors right open for the Lich King to enter and doom us all and then acted surprised when he did just that. That is the kind of weakness the Horde cannot afford anymore. If that means we are brutal, then we shall be brutal. If the humans want to hate us, then we will just have to make them fear us instead. That is why I did what I had to in Northrend. I regret nothing. My only sorrow is for those who judge me less for doing what had to be done to ensure the livelihood of the Horde.
SYLVANAS: I will admit that trusting Varimathras was a mistake. One of only a few that I will ever commit. I know that now the only one worth trusting is myself. That is why I chose to run for warchief. To leave it in the hands of a half-cocked buffoon like Garrosh is too dangerous, Thrall is just leading us down a path of becoming slaves or getting killed, and I don’t even know what people are thinking to put a pile of sticks on the throne. What are they expecting it to do when the Alliance marches through the gates of Orgrimmar? Make a stew and hope they just leave because now they are full? The Alliance is not a stray dog. It will not love you just because you gave it some scraps. If we are going to get things done, we need someone who knows from hard earned experience that you can’t trust anyone but yourself to do it right.
GARROSH: What about that plague that just happened to kill both living and undead targets?
SYLVANAS: A lack of oversight can cause many a malicious act to occur when one is not looking. I can assure you that the new plague was designed solely for the purpose of destroying the Lich King and his forces. Anything else is a product of Putress’ involvement.
GARROSH: I smell fear, Windrunner.
SYLVANAS: And I smell Orc B.O. Could you please go back to YOUR podium?
Well, I think we’ve heard just about enough of that for tonight. I’d like to-
RICHARD KNAAK: One damn moment, you’ve drug me to these infernal debates twice, TWICE, now and not only have I been ridiculed and made a fool of but I have not once been given a chance to voice my opinion or present myself fairly to the voters.
Oh? You think we’ve kept you down some how? Okay, Richard, I’ll ask you a question. Just you. How about that?
RICHARD KNAAK: Excellent. I have prepared a question just for this ocassion.
Wait… that’s not… Oh fine! Give me that damn card.
RICHARD’S AWESOME QUESTION: Richard, what is your fantastic take on the issues? How amazingly easily would it be for you to fix all of the Horde’s problems? Are you really as awesome as they say, or are you awesome-er?
RICHARD KNAAK: Well, thank you for such a flattering question, I think first and foremost that –
Well, what do you know, that’s all we have time for tonight.
RICHARD KNAAK: WHAT?!
I’d like to thank our sponsors at… ugh… Enterprise Company, “Strip mining your land in totally nice, safe ways cause we’re totally not the Venture Co.” And thank you for tuning in!
RICHARD KNAAK: I will sue you, Vrykerion!
Next time we’ll have Basic Campfire chatting toe to toe with the Banshee Queen, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner.
RICHARD KNAAK: All of you can burn in hell!
Until next time folks! This is Vrykerion, saying take care of yourself and your main tank. (Can we turn Richard’s mic off? Thanks. He was really… WHOA! RICHARD! PUT THAT DOWN! PUT THAT–)