Warchief Election: Sticks and Orcs (and Mary Sues)
Welcome one and all, back to the Warchief Election Debates! This week we settle the war of the pacifists. Two great advocates for diplomacy, understanding, and utter optimists when it comes to people of all races and origins… oh and Richard Knaak is here too. I’m sure he’ll have something to say about something. Anyway, besides Richard, we have our two leaders in the current polls: Thrall, the current warchief, and Basic Campfire, the people’s favorite, have come down here tonight to participate in this most epic debate.
As with last time we had Basic Campfire here, we’ve brought in former majordomo Executus to translate from firespeak. Welcome back to the blog, Executus. Also tonight’s sponsor for the debate is the Consortium, offering you quality everything at a what recent polls have stated is a decent price. Seriously? We’re getting sponsored by the Consortium? What’s next the Venture Company? By the titans, what happened to standards… What? We’re still on? Oh Fuuuueeellow members of the Horde, let’s start, shall we?
Question 1: Both of tonight’s candidates-
Richard Knaak: Excuse me! Um… Yes, There are three of us up here.
Sorry. The majority of tonight’s candidates are strong advocates for both diplomacy and peace in Azeroth. What can you say that would convince voters to choose you over your opponent… or Richard.
Basic Campfire (Translated from Firespeak): <The key to great diplomacy is having all the correct ingredients. You need fresh ideas, a crisp and clean perspective, and a rich flavorful background of experiences. I have spent time with any citizen of every faction who decided to take a single cooking lesson. I have steamed fish with the Tuskarr, I have baked pie with the Alliance, and I have simmered sausage with the Goblins. After all, all living things have the need to eat, and I have been there to provide them with that. I doubt any of my competitors could make such a claim.>
Richard Knaak: Well in my experience-
Thrall: No offense, Campfire, but by those rigid standards, a fork is just as qualified to participate in peace talks. What is needed is compassion. I must call you on this Campfire and I apologize for it. You help to feed all these people, because they call upon you to do it. You are at their beck and call and while you may enjoy it, you are not actively choosing to do it. This is not volunteering, this is pleasurable servitude, and it is certainly not compassion. What is compassion? Seeking peace and understanding between the factions, to and beyond the point that your own people are calling your actions near treasonous. Where the tabloids assume you must be having some illicit affair because you engage in talks with the “enemy” that concern the fate of every living thing on the planet. That is what I have done. I have risked every morsel of my reputation and dignity on peace and not questioned it once.
Richard Knaak: Well that’s interesting because when I created-
Basic Campfire: <Thrall, allow me to disagree with your blatant attempts to cast yourself as some kind of messianic figure. Saying that the intent and risk is the important point in creating peace and dipolmacy, and I’m saying that’s just a bunch of steam. You can garnish the topic with all the trimmings you want, but it comes down to the meat and potatoes: Is it helping? If nothing else I can say that I’ve fed millions. What can you say about your “compassion” and “sacrifices”? That’s like saying all you need to boil water is water and wanting it to be hot! So you define compassion as having personal risk in the pursuit of helping others? Well, let’s cut to the cheese here, I am a campfire. When I cook for these people, I am set ablaze and burn for their food.>
Richard Knaak: Wait… you aren’t always a campfire? What stage in your life are you just logs? Is that like limbo, or like an infant or something?
Basic Campfire: <I find that comment racist, sir.>
Thrall: No, the human has a point. I’m curious about this too. Are you a campfire or are you logs that are being set on fire?
Basic Campfire: Crackle crackle pop crackle roar crackle pop!
Ahem, sorry about that folks, Executus has informed me that we may be facing fines if he translated what Basic Campfire just said. Wait. What fines? This is the internet! Translate that!
Basic Campfire: <Why don’t you just put yourselves out!>
Executus… What exactly was offensive about that? You seriously suck at this job. Anyway, while hoping to maintain a civil tone here, let’s move on to question 2.
Question 2: times are getting tough, with big goblin cartels taking business from small horde companies and the war in Northrend consuming way more of the Horde’s resources than planned, what would you do to secure the jobs and financial stability of the Horde?
Thrall: As warchief, I have set forth a number of initiatives that will be available soon to create new jobs for the Horde. Including allocating a fund to help start a small archeology school in Orgrimmar, and investing in a new technology that will allow the brave heroes of the Horde to “reforge” their equipment. Both of those should provide an ample amount of new jobs for the Horde. We’ve also been in talks with some members of the Bilgewater Cartel, in hopes that it will provide us an “in” to discussing ways to protect both Horde and goblin interests with all of the cartels.
Basic Campfire: <So your method of sizzling the economy is the burn the tax payer’s money? The ideal method of solving this issue to bring the broth of personal responsibility to a boil and slowly mix in opportunity. Once the good people of the Horde acknowledge that is just as much their own duty to worry about the economy as it is the warchief’s, we can began to reward individuals who are willing to do their part with tax breaks. Not to increase taxes across the board in order to fund some undercooked “reforge” idea.>
Thrall: So your suggestion is that people just toughen up when it comes to the goblin cartels running them out of business? Individual responsibility should be rewarded, but individual responsibility is not strong enough to battle a strong business presence like the goblin cartels. The warchief has a duty to all, even in financial matters.
Basic Campfire: <I never suggested that people should simply toughen up against the cartels, because in my opinion the cartels have no business interfering with Horde businesses. I would rather see the warchief spend their time working to strictly limit or completely cut off the goblin cartels from the Horde. The Trade Princes have shown time and time again that they have no regard for the rights or concerns of other businesses, or even their customers. That kind of overbearing and ruthless business presence is better cut off and put in with the scraps.>
Richard Knaak: Well, what I would do is send a charismatic and slightly misunderstood orc with a destiny even he doesn’t fully understand to go to Kezan and negotiate with the goblins to get them to ease off on hostile trade relations with the Horde.
Basic Campfire: <What happens if your plan doesn’t work?>
Richard Knaak: What do you mean? I don’t understand the question.
Thrall: And what happens if this representative of yours is fails to convince the goblins to do that?
Richard Knaak: I’m not sure I follow, what do you mean if my representative fails? My people NEVER fail. They are fail proof.
Basic Campfire: <…>
And on that awkward silence, I’d like to end tonight’s debates. Thank you gentlemen… and Richard – for an exciting and informatitive evening. I’m sure everyone at home is buzzing with discussions between themselves over who they should cast their vote for now. Once again, this debate was sponsered by the Consortium, your source for everything that you can buy and some things you can’t. I would like to thank our translator former Majordomo Executus and be sure to tune into the next Warchief debate where Garrosh and Sylvanas face off in a battle of hopefully just words, and hey maybe Richard will be there too. Richard, wanna come to another debate?
Richard Knaak: I don’t deserve this mockery.
That’s a yes. See you next time folks!